Associated Press—(Ames, IA) Jeffrey Lapchick, 28, gets 10 years in Iowa State Penitentiary after confessing to putting soda in water cups at over fifteen establishments in the greater Ames, IA area.
Lapchick, a dropout of the University of Wisconsin Eau Claire, had returned to Ames after being fired from his janitorial position at his former university. Mr. Lapchick was suspected of pulling his “soda in a water cup” act at the on-campus Taco Bell eatery. No formal charges were filed.
After an 8-month FBI investigation, officials set up a sting operation at an Ames Chipotle Mexican Grilll—a spot Lapchick was known to frequent—likely due to their water cups being similar in appearance to soft-drink cups. On December 24, 2012 upon receiving his water cup, Lapchick was spotted by undercover agents filling the drinking container with Sprite.
According to officials, after they swooped in, Lapchick reportedly yelled, “It’s water I swear! Look it’s clear! Take a sip if you don’t believe me, but I wouldn’t if I were you, I have a cold.”
Nancy Perkwiler, 46, witnessed the theft that finally brought Lapchick down. “The guy was yelling, ‘who has $1.99 to pay for soda? In this economy?!’” She recalled him shouting.
Lapchick, who was facing 30-40 years for his theft of tens of dollars of soda from restaurants across the Midwest, struck a deal with the FBI in exchange for a lesser sentence. “One condition of his plea deal is Mr. Lapchick must tell us how he did it so we know how to catch future crooks.” The agent continues, “So far he’s told us to target the restaurants that don’t give clear water cups as it is easier to conceal the stolen beverage in paper cups.” Additionally, the agent said of Lapchick’s advice, “a common beverage of choice for soda thieves is Sprite, due it its similar appearance to water.”
An official statement from an FBI spokesperson reads, “The FBI is proud of our arrest of one of the Midwest’s most notorious soda thieves. We hope this encourages people to think twice before putting anything besides good ol’ fashioned H20 in their free cup.”
Lapchick is expected to be released between 2021-2023.
Many of you may be asking, why is 4/20 the day everyone does weed? The history of this holiday is not widely known. But I did some research and I am here today to fill you guys in. It all began on April 20, 1969. The day the first marijuana plant was discovered. Spanish explorer and discoverer of America, Ponce de Leon, was walking his dog, Disco, through a forest near his home off the coast of southern California in the United States (the country between Canada and Mexico). PDL had just returned from a long week of exploring and was enjoying the relaxation. But, you know what they say “an explorer never stops exploring!” so of course his eyes are always peeled for new discoveries! Disco, a Corgi, was sniffing in some bushes near a large Apple tree when his little tail began wagging out of control. Ponce knew that wag. That meant his little guy found something neat. Leon dipped down low and sniffed the plant that Disco was sniffing. They were both just sniffing the plant, it was kind of weird actually. P had never seen a plant like it. He just had to figure out what it was. So he plucked the bizarre shrub from the earth and carried it back to his laboratory. He picked and prodded at what today avid pot-doers call “nugs” and was entranced. He loved the smell. He dumped out his potpuri bowl and filled it with all of the “nugs” from the plant. But the smell was still not strong enough for him. He wanted that smell to be inside of him. So he took a little bit out and put it in his tobacco bong and lit it. He smoked it and it felt really good! He told all his buddies and eventually it really became quite popular beyond his friend group. And to this day, people do pot regularly. All thanks to Ponce de Leon and little Disco’s discovery on April 20, 1969.
As we all know, the economy is in the toilet. While rich politicians like George W. Bush and Barack Obama took vacations all around the world, (I hear even to the Iraq. You know you go on vacation a lot when you decide to go there) many are stuck at home searching for coins in the couch cushions to get a six ounces of froyo. The financial climate has affected everyone differently, but perhaps the most devastating aspect is that the financial downtrodden have not been able to take vacations. Sure your house is in foreclosure and you had to sell your children to a factory to pay for your leased Nissan Altima, but the real tragedy here is how few trips you’ve been able to go on. So here is a list of fun vacation alternatives that are easy on the wallet.
1. Drink a beer in the shower. You may not be able to afford to go somewhere that has a hunky hairless Puerto Rican pool boy serving you frozen drinks garnished with little umbrellas, but that’s not the only way to be wet and drink alcohol at the same time. Pop open a beer in the shower. Cans or bottles work. I do not recommend drinking your shower beer out of a glass unless you enjoy your lager sprinkled with hot water. This works best when you have a shelf or some sort of beer platform so you can clean yourself with both hands (remember to clean yourself, this vacation isn’t all fun and games). For serious partiers or spring breakers on a budget: Try two shower beers.
2. Ask your neighbor if you can sleep on his couch. This works best if you know your neighbor but it is not completely necessary. Simply pack up a bag (just as if you were going on a real vacation! Neat!) and go knock on his door. The beauty here is there isn’t that risk of forgetting your phone charger or a toothbrush at home, because if you do, just pop back on over and grab it. Maybe watch a movie with your neighbor. Eat whatever you want out of his fridge when he goes to bed because this vacation has no ridiculous mini-bar fees!
3. Sleep with your head on the opposite side of the bed than you normally do. I recommend washing your sheets before doing this as it is the part of the bed that your feet hang out—however, again, not necessary. You may be asking, how is this a vacation? Well, don’t knock it until you try it. Sleeping with your head where your feet normally go allows for a totally different perspective than what you’re used to. And isn’t that what vacations are all about? Don’t forget to bring your pillows with you to the other side of the bed, or you may wake up with a stiff neck. That would put a damper on your vacation.
4. Watch the Spanish channel. There is simply no cheaper way to visit South America than watching the Spanish channel. Turn the air conditioning off in your house and take your shirt off. You’re in Cancun, bitch, live it up. This vacation may be inexpensive but it packs a punch. Studies have shown that the Spanish channel shows more cleavage than any other channel on basic cable television—eeking out MTV (MTV has Jersey Shore and Teen Mom 2, so clearly that’s a lot of cleavage!).
5. Sit in a chair in your backyard. Reclining chairs work best for optimal relaxation but regular chairs work fine too. Ideally you would want to save this vacation for a warm day but who am I to say you can’t sit in a chair in your backyard during a snowstorm. [Reminder: The creators of this blog are not liable for any injuries occurring as a result of advice offered in this blog] This is your vacation, do what you want. Crank up the Sublime Pandora station and pretend you’re at the beach. Go ask your neighbor to rub sun block on your hard-to-reach places. Warning, doing so could, and probably will, result in sex with your neighbor.
*For the ultimate cheap vacation, do any combination of these options over the course of a weekend.
About a week ago, @bobbyhundreds DM’d me saying he’d like to send me some shirts from his clothing line ‘The Hundreds’ because he enjoyed my tweets. And today, a box showed up on my doorstep containing said shirts. So fucking cool of him to do that. @bobbyhundreds is also one of the most underrated humor tweeters out there right now, in my humble opinion. So follow him on Twitter, and check out http://thehundreds.com/ if youre interested in looking as sexy as I look in that cool ass shirt. Thanks again Bobby.
Every end of the year Twitter list of “who to follow” always includes every person we already follow. So I decided to take it upon myself to make a list of 140 underrated, super funny tweeters with less than 20,000 followers. Enjoy. Follow. Share. And don’t suck dick for money.
Funny tweets on hipster photos is back!
I don’t usually get excited about this stuff but how cool are those favs?!
I feel like a douche for making one of these for myself but that picture popped up, like a penis at daybreak.